Reality Shows.....Get a Life!!!!!

When reality shows first became popular (i.e. the early Real World seasons) they were somewhat of a novelty. The show was a hit based on the premise that most people are inherently voyeuristic and love to spy on others. There really weren’t too many other reality shows out there competing with the Real World. It was a new twist on television and a lot of my friends and peers were watching it. It gave everyone a little something extra to talk about in addition to the REAL things going on in our REAL lives. I must say that after about the third season I was done with the reality show genre. I grew tired of the same staged bullshit, you know, fake fights, love triangles, crocodile tears, fake empathy for completely retarded causes, and the constant reminders from the shows’ “stars” about how misunderstood they were. Fast forward about 10 years and now reality shows dominate television. Every station seems to have at least 3 reality shows airing at any given time. I must admit that I still from time to time catch an episode or two of a show because honestly they can still be somewhat entertaining. What I don’t understand are the certain people that I like to call reality show fanatics aka brain-dead fucks. These are the insane morons that follow almost every fucking reality show out there. These are the people that TIVO all the shows so they don’t, god forbid, miss any second of “their” shows. I am truly baffled by these crackpots. I see and hear them at work, in bars, at the beach, on the radio, on the web, in the store, at the park, in the airplane, at the shooting range, in the swimming pool, at the doctor’s office, and on the street. All they talk about is these reality shows and the “stars” that are on them. They talk non-stop about what happened before, what’s happening now, and what’s going to happen. They act as if they are actually on the shows and that they actually know the people on them. I mean are these peoples’ lives so empty and meaningless that they have been force to resort to living vicariously through the lives of people on reality shows. What’s worse is the lives they are seeing on these shows are staged. It’s fucking fake people wake up! It really saddens me to listen to people talk about “their” shows. For example: “Oh my god! I can’t believe Drew broke up with Michelle.” “Michelle is such a nice girl, all the stuff that she had to go through with her last boyfriend, and now this, it’s all just so horrible.” Get a fucking life people! Its television, you don’t know these people personally and if you did they probably wouldn’t like YOU. What gets me even more is if you try to engage in a conversation regarding a topic not involving reality shows with these brain-dead fucks, they just go silent. Ask them about politics…..silence. Ask them about music…….silence (unless you’re talking about American Idol). Ask them about the weather……silence. Ask them about art……..silence. Ask them whether they like mayonnaise or Miracle Whip……silence. Last but not least, ask them about their own lives……….silence. Which gets to my point, which is these brain-dead fucks have no lives other than these reality shows. Now I understand the entertainment value of television and thus reality shows, but I believe television should only play a miniscule part in your everyday life. It shouldn’t be your absolute source of entertainment and living. What’s sad is how many of these brain-dead fucks are out there as apparent by the popularity of reality shows. I guess these people like to fantasize they are on the show doing all the cool and fun things. I’ve had a lot of these reality show fanatics tell me, “Crane, you should have you own reality show.” They say I always have crazy stories about things I have done or things I’m going to be doing. Guess what???!!! That’s because I choose to throw myself headfirst into the REAL world. I like to talk and spend time with REAL people. I like to go to REAL places. I like to do REAL things. I guess when you look at it, I do have my own reality show and it’s called my life. So to all you brain-dead fucks out there, I place this challenge to you, take a break from your reality shows for a month. Get out into the world, explore it, meet people, do things you normally wouldn’t do. If you meet this challenge don’t be surprised if you end up with enough material for your own reality show.

That is all.

Discuss

Billy Badass or Not?

Today my friends I will speak about a certain type of person that I really can't stand. To help explain my point I will use a celebrity that I feel best displays all the traits I despise. I believe most of you are aware of the little unshaven leprechaun that goes by the name of Colin Farrell. That's right bitches I said Colin Farrell! I will admit that when the little fella first came on the seen, I was impressed by his badass ways. He sorta struck me as an Irish version of Chuck Norris, sweeeeeeeeeet. I really connected to him, he loved to smoke (me too), he loved to drink to excess (me too) he loved the ladies (me too). Damn, three for three I was sold, I had a new hero!!!!!! How could I resist? He was a foul mouthed, chain-smoking, women-loving, alcoholic after my own black heart. I thought to myself, I could definetely get piss drunk with this guy and break shit.

As time passed, I begin to take notice of the leprechun in the the media. I would read, watch, listen to interviews and stories involving him. Then something happened. I'm not sure exactly when or where, but I started to get a real funny feeling in my stomach. I knew right away what this feeling was but I didn't want to admit it! How could it be? This guy was awesome! Unfortunetely my "Billy Badass" meter never lies. As I sat there drinking my beer coming to terms with this latest observation, it all started to make sense.

There are certain men amongst us, that I like to refer to as "Billy Badasses" aka "Tommy Toughguys". They can usually be identified by thier loud ass voices when visiting a drinking establishment, sporting event, family reunion, weddings, pretty much anywhere people congregate. They are usually spitting off profanities like a machine gun. Now for those of you who are asking the question, "But Crane, you like to flow profanities like a fucking waterfall?" Yes I do, but there is a difference. I am native speaker of foulmouthery. Hell my first word was motherfucker. I have the unique ability to use profanity in pretty much any situation and it sounds natural. Now on the other hand the "Billy Badass" uses profanity for nothing more than the shock value. Don't believe me, go look at some of the leprechaun's past interviews. Yeah he cusses, but look close, it's forced, you can tell that he is doing it for the shock value. Fucking pathetic. In addition to using loud forced profanity, the "Billy Badass" also tends to be a one-upper. You know the type, you tell him you hooked up with a hot volleyball player, and he one-ups you by saying he hooked up with the whole team. Again when we look at the leprechaun and his is asked about his sexual conquests he gets a certain snicker look on his face. Pussy, real men don't need to brag, we know our scores. On top of that he is usually the guy that bumps into you, or steps on your shoes, or spills your drink while you are in a bar. Now a stand up guy would just apologize and move on, but not "Billy Badass" he will look at you like it's your fault. It's is usually right about that time that the "Billy Badass's" world comes crashing down. Despite all the loud profanity, all the one-upping, all the tough guy posturing, the "Billy Badass" is really a fucking pussy who can't back up his actions. He assumes that all this bravado will deter real bad dudes from stomping him into a human salad. Unfortunetely this is really never the case, and the "Billy Badass" routinelly takes good ole' ass kickings. So back to my original point, I have no doubt that Colin Farrell is nothing less than a "Billy Badass". He fits all the characteristics. I'm sure that I certain point in his life, he had to make a very difficult decision. Should he become a ballerina and fullfill his true dreams? Or should he falsly portray himself as real bad dude knowing it was all a lie? We all know what he chose. Colin, if you feel that this is an inaccurate representation of you, please feel free to contact me so I can headbutt you upper jaw into the back of skull.

Keep your eyes on the prize.

Discuss

Handicap Spaces and other Tidbits

As I took a break today at work, I noticed how many handicapped parking spaces we had. I was surprised at not only the shear number of spaces, but by how many of them were actually occupied. I thought to myself, "Damn, my company is really into hiring handicap people, how awesome!" Then as I stood there smoking my cigarette, I started to noticed something. I saw a couple of these "Handicapped" people actually pulling into the special spots as well as getting in and leaving. First, what surprised me the most was that I actually got to see a handicap person pulling into a handicap spot, how lucky for me!!! That's like witnessing the Pink Rhinostriped Anaconda in the wild, how sweet is that!!! Seriously ask yourself, how many times have YOU actually seen someone pull into the handicap spot? Thought so!! After the initial shock of actually getting to witness this, I began to notice something else. Handicap people are really agile and quite nimble. I couldn't believe it! I have always expected the people who were using these special spaces to actually have something physically wrong with them. You know like maybe they should have a limp, maybe being using a wheelchair, maybe they are really old, maybe even pregnant, I mean something noticeable, hell I would even be happy if the person got out of the car and started crab walking across the parking lot, damn give me something! Unfortunately I didn't get see anything like that. I was totally bummed out. What I did see, at least in my expert medical opinion, was perfectly healthy people pulling in and jumping out their car and walking pretty damn well right into the building. This really intrigued me, so I decided to smoke another cigarette and continue to analyze this strange behavior. After witnessing a couple more of these "Handicaps" both coming and leaving the special spots, I began to see a pattern. What pattern you say? A big fat pattern I say!!!!!!!! It hit me like a ton of Big Macs with a bag of Cheetos!!!!! All of the "Handicaps" I was seeing were, how should I say it, ummmmm, oh yeah, FULL BODIED. As this new observation sunk in, I started to question myself, have I had the wrong idea all my life of what a handicap person was????? Why would everybody lie to me all these years? My parents, my teachers, my friends, hell they even had a handicap episode on the Smurfs. Damn you all for lying to me all these years! Nobody ever had the balls to tell me that handicapped just meant that your were fat and lazy!!!! As I sat there and shook in disgust I realized something else, these same "Handicaps" are the same people who never take the stairs, always the elevator for them. Stairs, hell no, not them, you couldn't convince them to take the stairs even it was down one flight and you offered to kick them in the ass. I guess "Handicaps" have some sort of genetic fear of stairs, who am I to judge? They are also the same "Handicaps" I see eating six and half pounds of bacon smothered in Ranch dressing topped with cheddar cheese and butter for a morning snack. Mmmm just made myself a little hungry. My mind was just going completely wild with all this information I was taking in. I started to think to myself, "Maybe they should put all the handicap spots as far away from the building as they can?" Seemed to make sense to me. Maybe I just came up with the cure for handicapism? Well, I thought to myself, I'm on roll! Hell, how about we make all the "Handicaps" take the stairs too???? Maybe we could even limit their daily calorie intake to less than 20,000????? As I stood there smoking my cigarette (which are perfectly healthy, the doctors are all liars), looking into the distance while slowly nodding my head in agreement. I, Crane, have in the fifteen minutes it took me to smoke my cigarettes found a cure for handicapism. I fucking RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

Discuss

The Almighty Debit Card and Vodka Red Bull

Today, I will discuss the all powerful, all controlling, all everything DEBIT CARD. Until recently (about 4 months ago) I had been a strictly all cash person. I would cash my checks and then deposit them into the First Bank of Crane aka my dresser drawer and any other place I chose to hide my money. This system has worked great for me for a long time. No insufficient funds, no bounced checks, no dealing with the evil corporate devil that is the banking industry. However, I eventually folded after hearing my friends, family, bums on the street, perfect strangers, speak so highly of the convenience of having a banking account, and with that a DEBIT CARD. At first, I was thrilled, I could pay my bills online, I didn't have to horde large sums of cash at my house, I could write checks, no more money orders, it was great. Now lets introduce one of my favorite pastimes in life.............Drinking.

To say that I enjoy a good night of drinking would be one of the biggest understatements in the history of man. When I was a strictly all cash guy I never had to worry about spending too much money, when my pocket of cash was gone the night ended. Unless I could either convince the bartender I was a celebrity and that they should just give me free drinks all night, don't laugh this has been done before, anyway I am a celebrity at least in my mind or I could get my fellow drinking participants to buy me drinks. I was usually pretty good at keeping the drinks flowing even after my cash ran out, simply put, when I get started drinking it can be pretty entertaining and I have learned that people are willing to pay for that show. Unfortunately the all cash days are over, because now I have the DEBIT CARD. I am slowly starting to come to the conclusion that someone who likes to partake in sipping on the devil's brew (as I do) maybe shouldn't have a DEBIT CARD. Perfect example is waking up the next day, and going wow what I great time I had at blah blah blah bar, and then finding a receipt for some bar you don't remember going to, and then realizing you went significantly over your drinking budget for the night. Ah good times!!!

Now I can say that I am a pretty successful drinker definitely in the major leagues, probably be in the Hall of Fame before it's all over, but there are certain drinks that effect me more than others. Vodka and Red Bull, holy shit were have you been all my life! What a drink combination, the vodka tells your brain, "Hey were fucked up, we should go to sleep!" and the Red Bull says, "Fuck that! We're a fucking rock star! Let's break some shit!" When drank in moderation you can reach a certain level of drunken bliss, you know that slightly buzzed feeling where you can still remember your name. The key word is moderation, which apparently does not apply to me. Unfortunately, Vodka Red Bull is a sweet drink and being that I usually gulp, or chug about six before the magic starts to kick in. This was the case the other night, when disaster struck. I was in the flow jumping, skipping gleefully from bar to bar. At the last bar I visited that night, I put in the typical order, a couple of shots, and a couple of Vodka Red Bulls. But here is the kicker, when I dove my hand into my pocket to retrieve the all mighty DEBIT CARD, it WASN'T there!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Panic struck me, "How can this be! Where is it?" I then proceeded to check all my pockets like I was crackhead looking for my last hit of rock. Ha what a site! I then ran back to the previous bar, "Please tell me I left my card here?" No luck..........it was gone. Heartbroke I met back up with my friends and convinced them to buy me some drinks. I don't think the true significance of losing the card had set in. The next morning I called and had my card cancelled and they told me a new one should be there in about a week. One WEEK, unbelievable, I can't wait a week, I got stuff to do and the weekend is fast approaching. On top of that I have an online bank, no physical branches, which means NO access to my cash for a week. So all I have to say is screw you DEBIT CARD, you did me wrong, you got yourself lost and now I'm without cash or any access to it for a week. If I had remained a strictly cash guy, this would have never happened. Now I have to resort to turning tricks and begging for money on the corner in front of my house just so I can have partying funds. I am now strongly considering going back to the all cash system.

That is all. Keep strong, keep drinking!!!!!!!!!

Discuss

The Special Co-Worker

Why does it always seem that the forces of the universe are at work against me? So much so, that the planets have alligned to place the most annoying person ever in the cubicle next to mine. I guess it makes sense to have me; a laid back, go with the flow, admirer of beauty and culture kind of guy, placed next to a souless, ultra materialistic, narcissistic, pop music loving, never stops talking on her cell phone, yuppie girl. Now don't get me wrong, I get along with all types of people and I mean ALL types, but I can't stand phony fakers with no real imput to life. Lets have quick overview of the latest cell phone conversations that have happened today:

Baby talked to boyfriend for about an hour about where they are going to eat dinner. Of course it has to always be a trendy place........who cares if the food is good, as long as we look cool!!!! Yeah!!!

Talked to one of her clone friends about some wedding they are attending........recurring topic everyday for last two months.

Spent about two hours talking to multitude of clone friends about football game they are going to. Sample, "Oh my god, it's like going to be some much fun!", "Where should we eat before the game, I heard blah blah blah is a really happening place, we should go drink some wine, and eat some appetizers.", then proceeded to talk about food and wine for the next hour. Of course any conversation that involves food, she has to repeatedly state that she is lactose intollerant, who cares? They have pills for that crap. Take one and shut your mouth and drink three gallons of milk, you trendy clone.

It truly amazes me that someone can talk on a cellphone for eight straight hours. Whats even more amazing is that she never happens to say anything that is the least bit interesting in that timespan.

Well that wraps up today's post........short and sweet........more to come soon.

Discuss